Saturday, April 21, 2007
Hole-in-the-Wall Bakery
From a midnight walk in Satwa, wearing my yellow salwar kameez, which makes all the Indians extra-smiley
Friday, April 13, 2007
My Brother, the Mexican Pimp in Training
I am pleased to announce my brother's recent acquisition of a vehicle to facilitate his various misadventures. It is a '79 Ranchero, which is indeed a very Metro-esque car, and I expect they will spread good cheer and cheap beer throughout southern California.
I conducted an email interview with him to learn a little more about this exciting new partnership:
Metro: "YEAH!!!! CAR!!!!"
Eva: "What is your car’s anthem song?"
Metro: "Donkey Butt by 2 Live Crew"
Eva: "What is your car’s drink of choice?"
Metro: "Bacardi's Watermelon Rum"
Eva: "If your car could pick its own dashboard decoration, what would it be?"
Metro: "Pizza"
Eva: " Is your car allergic to anything?"
Metro: "Crayons"
Eva: "Does your car like pie? What kind?"
Metro: "Yeah, Pizza Pie. On the dashboard"
Eva: "If your car could replace its wheels with something else, what would it choose?"
Metro: "Tank tracks"
Eva: "If your car witnessed a bank robbery, what would it do?"
Metro: "Honk cause it likes cookies. And robbers"
Eva: "Does your car wear tighty whiteys or boxers?"
Metro: "Boxers. Feel the breeze."
Eva: "If your car had a voice, who would it sound like?"
Metro: "Johnny Bravo"
Eva: "What would your car do on a rainy afternoon with a can of green paint, 3 rollerskates, a pair of ninjas, and a ham?"
Metro: "PARTY!!! Each ninja gets A roller skate to wear on their left foot, push themsleves around with the right foot, and chase the green painted ham that's been stuffed in the other roller skate and is being pushed around by my car. The rain means nothing."
Thanks Metro and Señor 79! I wish you many happy and speeding-ticket-free days together...
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Jurassic Bedroom
Not to toot my own trumpet, but I believe I have achieved a monumental scientific breakthrough and I humbly request you to shout my praises from your rooftop.
Last week before I moving house, whilst most non-geniuses would be preoccupied with packing, boxing, and other plebian concerns, I was double-checking intricate pulvo-pulmotic tests in my highly secure underbed laboratory. When the anticipated date finally arrived, I assembled a prestigious audience of members of the Umm Suqeim Amateur Scientists League and some Keralan moving men to announce the hitherto undreamt-of evolutionary alteration… THE DUST DINASAUR.
I took the DNA of the common dust bunny, injected it with 12 months of darkness, rage, and neglect, carefully modified its intake of oxygen, and eureka!... a dust creature with massive bulk and unsurpassed predatory skills.
Note how they travel in tribal packs, laying waste to any socks or small pieces of paper that they come across. Beware, beware the dust dinasaur, and tremble before my mighty scientific power.
Last week before I moving house, whilst most non-geniuses would be preoccupied with packing, boxing, and other plebian concerns, I was double-checking intricate pulvo-pulmotic tests in my highly secure underbed laboratory. When the anticipated date finally arrived, I assembled a prestigious audience of members of the Umm Suqeim Amateur Scientists League and some Keralan moving men to announce the hitherto undreamt-of evolutionary alteration… THE DUST DINASAUR.
I took the DNA of the common dust bunny, injected it with 12 months of darkness, rage, and neglect, carefully modified its intake of oxygen, and eureka!... a dust creature with massive bulk and unsurpassed predatory skills.
Note how they travel in tribal packs, laying waste to any socks or small pieces of paper that they come across. Beware, beware the dust dinasaur, and tremble before my mighty scientific power.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Dubai, the BESTEST city - part 3
What's more impressive than a very tall building? ...
A very tall building upside down! And we have one!
"Amlak Al Madina Real Estates announced the launch of the Upside Down Tower in Dubai with a total cost of AED 800 million. The tower consists of two buildings next to each other one of them is an upside down replica of the other. ... Not only that the tower will look inverted from the outside but it will look inverted from the inside as well. Mentioned examples are palm trees, other indoor plants, water fountains, elevators, and even the numbering sequence of floors."
Woopee!
A very tall building upside down! And we have one!
"Amlak Al Madina Real Estates announced the launch of the Upside Down Tower in Dubai with a total cost of AED 800 million. The tower consists of two buildings next to each other one of them is an upside down replica of the other. ... Not only that the tower will look inverted from the outside but it will look inverted from the inside as well. Mentioned examples are palm trees, other indoor plants, water fountains, elevators, and even the numbering sequence of floors."
Woopee!
Friday, February 16, 2007
Dubai, the BESTEST city - part 2
Why is Dubai the bestest city, you ask?
We could withstand an attack by Godzilla, that's why.
If Godzilla ever stomps his way down from Abu Dhabi, roaring bloody murder and flexing his enormous claws in anticipation, he would be deterred by a security guard his size. You see, local developer AAA Group is doing the citizens of Dubai a great service by building a sentry formidable enough to stop Godzilla in his tracks. They are building... a 35-storey tower in the shape of a man in traditional Gulf dress.
I am not kidding.
So, let's applaud; everyone now, let's applaud the AAA Group for creating a city hero who would open a 140 meter tall can of khaleeji whoopass on any passing mutant lizards looking for a fight, and let's recognize that Dubai is the bestest at city security.
And let's also get excited about the world-firstestness of this innovative structure! I for one would like to pre-register for a 2-bedroom apartment in the man's left buttock! And I'm hoping that, when I want to visit my friend living in a flat in his shoulder, I can ride the spine-themed elevator! Nothing says "class" like chrome-detailed vertebrae.
But that's not all, I read in a different artice that "the peak may include a rotating restaurant and conference centre." Assuming that the peak is his head, we could have the world's first (and BEST!) exorcist-themed architectural triumph, in which you can enjoy a 360 dirham glass of champagne and some fine canapes as you rotate 360 degrees in finest cranial luxury.
We could withstand an attack by Godzilla, that's why.
If Godzilla ever stomps his way down from Abu Dhabi, roaring bloody murder and flexing his enormous claws in anticipation, he would be deterred by a security guard his size. You see, local developer AAA Group is doing the citizens of Dubai a great service by building a sentry formidable enough to stop Godzilla in his tracks. They are building... a 35-storey tower in the shape of a man in traditional Gulf dress.
I am not kidding.
So, let's applaud; everyone now, let's applaud the AAA Group for creating a city hero who would open a 140 meter tall can of khaleeji whoopass on any passing mutant lizards looking for a fight, and let's recognize that Dubai is the bestest at city security.
And let's also get excited about the world-firstestness of this innovative structure! I for one would like to pre-register for a 2-bedroom apartment in the man's left buttock! And I'm hoping that, when I want to visit my friend living in a flat in his shoulder, I can ride the spine-themed elevator! Nothing says "class" like chrome-detailed vertebrae.
But that's not all, I read in a different artice that "the peak may include a rotating restaurant and conference centre." Assuming that the peak is his head, we could have the world's first (and BEST!) exorcist-themed architectural triumph, in which you can enjoy a 360 dirham glass of champagne and some fine canapes as you rotate 360 degrees in finest cranial luxury.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Dubai, the BESTEST city - part 1
We (lebneni and I) have decided that we should be hired by the big man to run a coordinated marketing campaign for Dubai. We would prefer payment in shawarmas, but will also except gold nuggets, gold boulders, gold buildings, and/or a private island, made of gold.
Our new campaign will harness and build upon already-existing marketing messages, most of which are perhaps too subtle to convey the true awesomestness of this place… e.g.,
“Burj Dubai: the most prestigious square kilometer on the planet"
and "Dubai Mall: the earth has a new center"
These are eloquent and delicate messages and I’m concerned that a visitor, groggy still from his red-eye flight and with his sense of urban potential numbed from years of living in New York or London, well, he might fail to grasp our world-class premiumosity and revolutionary visions of classic luxury.
So, let’s make it easy for everyone with this campaign theme… "Dubai is THE BESTEST CITY EVER!"
And with that, I would like to begin a series within this blog, which I will dedicate to updating you on Dubai’s bestestness.
Stay tuned, it will redefine your sense of lifestyle...
Our new campaign will harness and build upon already-existing marketing messages, most of which are perhaps too subtle to convey the true awesomestness of this place… e.g.,
“Burj Dubai: the most prestigious square kilometer on the planet"
and "Dubai Mall: the earth has a new center"
These are eloquent and delicate messages and I’m concerned that a visitor, groggy still from his red-eye flight and with his sense of urban potential numbed from years of living in New York or London, well, he might fail to grasp our world-class premiumosity and revolutionary visions of classic luxury.
So, let’s make it easy for everyone with this campaign theme… "Dubai is THE BESTEST CITY EVER!"
And with that, I would like to begin a series within this blog, which I will dedicate to updating you on Dubai’s bestestness.
Stay tuned, it will redefine your sense of lifestyle...
Save me!
I have most alarming news. The golden-rumped elephant shrew and the slender loris are in danger of going extinct.
I have to admit that, despite my flax-munching, yoga-twisting, recycled toilet paper hippy ways, my commitment to species saving activity has hitherto been limited to buying those deeelICious Endangered Species Chocolate bars (http://www.chocolatebar.com). But now that the golden-rumped elephant shrew and the slender loris are on the line, I think it’s time to step it up!
But, um, what do I do? How do I save these little critters? Can I pull a Dian Fossey and live in their midst, studying their quiet majesty, and running with them through the jungle? Can I start a Slender Loris farm here in Umm Suqeim? That sounds like a sweet plan... I’ll recreate their natural habitat in my back garden and, for those of them that want to adopt a more modern Western lifestyle, they can come inside and live in my cupboards. I’ll sew little tuxedos for the lorises (lorii?) and tu-tus for the golden-butted shrews and train them to prepare fancy cocktails, and talk. Yeah.
Tell me this guy wouldn't look sharp in a tux?
I have to admit that, despite my flax-munching, yoga-twisting, recycled toilet paper hippy ways, my commitment to species saving activity has hitherto been limited to buying those deeelICious Endangered Species Chocolate bars (http://www.chocolatebar.com). But now that the golden-rumped elephant shrew and the slender loris are on the line, I think it’s time to step it up!
But, um, what do I do? How do I save these little critters? Can I pull a Dian Fossey and live in their midst, studying their quiet majesty, and running with them through the jungle? Can I start a Slender Loris farm here in Umm Suqeim? That sounds like a sweet plan... I’ll recreate their natural habitat in my back garden and, for those of them that want to adopt a more modern Western lifestyle, they can come inside and live in my cupboards. I’ll sew little tuxedos for the lorises (lorii?) and tu-tus for the golden-butted shrews and train them to prepare fancy cocktails, and talk. Yeah.
Tell me this guy wouldn't look sharp in a tux?
Onions
I have a terrible eye infection. I feel like The Flaming Eye of Sauron. But I don’t want my blog to be invaded by freaky little Tolkien fans, so I will instead pursue this metaphor: it feels like the floor is made of onions.
And on that note, I have some fun facts about onions for you:
1) Egyptians believed onions had strength-producing powers, therefore, they were fed to labors who built the pyramids.
2) Roman gladiators were rubbed down with onion to firm up their muscles.
3) In the Middle Ages onions were such an important food that people would pay for their rent with onions and even give onions as gifts.
4) Libya boasts the maximum per capita consumption of onions with 66.8 pounds of onion consumed per person per year.
5) Parsley can help you get rid of onion breath.
6) The largest onion ever grown weighed 10 pounds 14 ounces. It was grown by V. Thorp of Silsden, England.
And on that note, I have some fun facts about onions for you:
1) Egyptians believed onions had strength-producing powers, therefore, they were fed to labors who built the pyramids.
2) Roman gladiators were rubbed down with onion to firm up their muscles.
3) In the Middle Ages onions were such an important food that people would pay for their rent with onions and even give onions as gifts.
4) Libya boasts the maximum per capita consumption of onions with 66.8 pounds of onion consumed per person per year.
5) Parsley can help you get rid of onion breath.
6) The largest onion ever grown weighed 10 pounds 14 ounces. It was grown by V. Thorp of Silsden, England.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Better at science than playing with others
3 recent BBC news articles indicate that the US military is astoundingly smart. Really.
No, really! Look, this stuff is amazing:
US military unveils heat-ray gun
The US military has given the first public display of what it says is a revolutionary heat-ray weapon to repel enemies or disperse hostile crowds which projects an invisible high energy beam that produces a sudden burning feeling, but is said to be harmless.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6297149.stm)
US military looks to 'black ice'
The US military is developing a novel weapon - artificial black ice - for use in arid environments. It would cause enemy vehicles and soldiers to lose footing, whilst a spray-on "reversal agent" could be incorporated into boots and tyres to prevent friendly forces sliding around.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6295567.stm)
US 'plans stealth shark spies'
Pentagon scientists are planning to turn sharks into "stealth spies" capable of tracking vessels undetected. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4767428.stm)
So that whole bully persona is just a front to disguise the fact that we are actually lovable, EVIL GENIUSES!
muahaha MUAAAHAHAHA MUAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
No, really! Look, this stuff is amazing:
US military unveils heat-ray gun
The US military has given the first public display of what it says is a revolutionary heat-ray weapon to repel enemies or disperse hostile crowds which projects an invisible high energy beam that produces a sudden burning feeling, but is said to be harmless.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6297149.stm)
US military looks to 'black ice'
The US military is developing a novel weapon - artificial black ice - for use in arid environments. It would cause enemy vehicles and soldiers to lose footing, whilst a spray-on "reversal agent" could be incorporated into boots and tyres to prevent friendly forces sliding around.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6295567.stm)
US 'plans stealth shark spies'
Pentagon scientists are planning to turn sharks into "stealth spies" capable of tracking vessels undetected. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4767428.stm)
So that whole bully persona is just a front to disguise the fact that we are actually lovable, EVIL GENIUSES!
muahaha MUAAAHAHAHA MUAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
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