Jurassic Bedroom

Not to toot my own trumpet, but I believe I have achieved a monumental scientific breakthrough and I humbly request you to shout my praises from your rooftop.

Last week before I moving house, whilst most non-geniuses would be preoccupied with packing, boxing, and other plebian concerns, I was double-checking intricate pulvo-pulmotic tests in my highly secure underbed laboratory. When the anticipated date finally arrived, I assembled a prestigious audience of members of the Umm Suqeim Amateur Scientists League and some Keralan moving men to announce the hitherto undreamt-of evolutionary alteration… THE DUST DINASAUR.

I took the DNA of the common dust bunny, injected it with 12 months of darkness, rage, and neglect, carefully modified its intake of oxygen, and eureka!... a dust creature with massive bulk and unsurpassed predatory skills. Note how they travel in tribal packs, laying waste to any socks or small pieces of paper that they come across. Beware, beware the dust dinasaur, and tremble before my mighty scientific power.

Dubai, the BESTEST city - part 3

What's more impressive than a very tall building? ...
A very tall building upside down! And we have one!

"Amlak Al Madina Real Estates announced the launch of the Upside Down Tower in Dubai with a total cost of AED 800 million. The tower consists of two buildings next to each other one of them is an upside down replica of the other. ... Not only that the tower will look inverted from the outside but it will look inverted from the inside as well. Mentioned examples are palm trees, other indoor plants, water fountains, elevators, and even the numbering sequence of floors."


Woopee!

Dubai, the BESTEST city - part 2

Why is Dubai the bestest city, you ask?

We could withstand an attack by Godzilla, that's why.

If Godzilla ever stomps his way down from Abu Dhabi, roaring bloody murder and flexing his enormous claws in anticipation, he would be deterred by a security guard his size. You see, local developer AAA Group is doing the citizens of Dubai a great service by building a sentry formidable enough to stop Godzilla in his tracks. They are building... a 35-storey tower in the shape of a man in traditional Gulf dress.

I am not kidding.


So, let's applaud; everyone now, let's applaud the AAA Group for creating a city hero who would open a 140 meter tall can of khaleeji whoopass on any passing mutant lizards looking for a fight, and let's recognize that Dubai is the bestest at city security.

And let's also get excited about the world-firstestness of this innovative structure! I for one would like to pre-register for a 2-bedroom apartment in the man's left buttock! And I'm hoping that, when I want to visit my friend living in a flat in his shoulder, I can ride the spine-themed elevator! Nothing says "class" like chrome-detailed vertebrae.

But that's not all, I read in a different artice that "the peak may include a rotating restaurant and conference centre." Assuming that the peak is his head, we could have the world's first (and BEST!) exorcist-themed architectural triumph, in which you can enjoy a 360 dirham glass of champagne and some fine canapes as you rotate 360 degrees in finest cranial luxury.

Dubai, the BESTEST city - part 1

We (lebneni and I) have decided that we should be hired by the big man to run a coordinated marketing campaign for Dubai. We would prefer payment in shawarmas, but will also except gold nuggets, gold boulders, gold buildings, and/or a private island, made of gold.

Our new campaign will harness and build upon already-existing marketing messages, most of which are perhaps too subtle to convey the true awesomestness of this place… e.g.,
“Burj Dubai: the most prestigious square kilometer on the planet"
and "Dubai Mall: the earth has a new center"

These are eloquent and delicate messages and I’m concerned that a visitor, groggy still from his red-eye flight and with his sense of urban potential numbed from years of living in New York or London, well, he might fail to grasp our world-class premiumosity and revolutionary visions of classic luxury.

So, let’s make it easy for everyone with this campaign theme… "Dubai is THE BESTEST CITY EVER!"

And with that, I would like to begin a series within this blog, which I will dedicate to updating you on Dubai’s bestestness.

Stay tuned, it will redefine your sense of lifestyle...

Save me!

I have most alarming news. The golden-rumped elephant shrew and the slender loris are in danger of going extinct.



I have to admit that, despite my flax-munching, yoga-twisting, recycled toilet paper hippy ways, my commitment to species saving activity has hitherto been limited to buying those deeelICious Endangered Species Chocolate bars (http://www.chocolatebar.com). But now that the golden-rumped elephant shrew and the slender loris are on the line, I think it’s time to step it up!

But, um, what do I do? How do I save these little critters? Can I pull a Dian Fossey and live in their midst, studying their quiet majesty, and running with them through the jungle? Can I start a Slender Loris farm here in Umm Suqeim? That sounds like a sweet plan... I’ll recreate their natural habitat in my back garden and, for those of them that want to adopt a more modern Western lifestyle, they can come inside and live in my cupboards. I’ll sew little tuxedos for the lorises (lorii?) and tu-tus for the golden-butted shrews and train them to prepare fancy cocktails, and talk. Yeah.

Tell me this guy wouldn't look sharp in a tux?

Onions

I have a terrible eye infection. I feel like The Flaming Eye of Sauron. But I don’t want my blog to be invaded by freaky little Tolkien fans, so I will instead pursue this metaphor: it feels like the floor is made of onions.

And on that note, I have some fun facts about onions for you:
1) Egyptians believed onions had strength-producing powers, therefore, they were fed to labors who built the pyramids.
2) Roman gladiators were rubbed down with onion to firm up their muscles.
3) In the Middle Ages onions were such an important food that people would pay for their rent with onions and even give onions as gifts.
4) Libya boasts the maximum per capita consumption of onions with 66.8 pounds of onion consumed per person per year.
5) Parsley can help you get rid of onion breath.
6) The largest onion ever grown weighed 10 pounds 14 ounces. It was grown by V. Thorp of Silsden, England.

just a thought

I don't like movies set in outer space.

Better at science than playing with others

3 recent BBC news articles indicate that the US military is astoundingly smart. Really.

No, really! Look, this stuff is amazing:

US military unveils heat-ray gun
The US military has given the first public display of what it says is a revolutionary heat-ray weapon to repel enemies or disperse hostile crowds which projects an invisible high energy beam that produces a sudden burning feeling, but is said to be harmless.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6297149.stm)

US military looks to 'black ice'
The US military is developing a novel weapon - artificial black ice - for use in arid environments. It would cause enemy vehicles and soldiers to lose footing, whilst a spray-on "reversal agent" could be incorporated into boots and tyres to prevent friendly forces sliding around.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6295567.stm)


US 'plans stealth shark spies'
Pentagon scientists are planning to turn sharks into "stealth spies" capable of tracking vessels undetected. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4767428.stm)


So that whole bully persona is just a front to disguise the fact that we are actually lovable, EVIL GENIUSES!
muahaha MUAAAHAHAHA MUAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

A clarinetist to watch out for

Bet you thought I was being ironic with that title.

But no, just as there are lady accordianists whom I respect and admire, there is a clarinetist that you MUST watch out for, if you are interested in gypsies, Joy, or clarinets. His name is Ismail Lumanovski. He is a 22-yr-old Julliard student with devilishly fast fingers, and he fronts the New York Gypsy All-Stars, which gave the best live concert I’ve ever seen last Saturday. I was screaming along to songs in languages I don’t even know.



No recorded albums yet, but I’m waiting. With my breath held. (Hurry up, Ismail...)

Opera for the masses?

In Manhattan last week I was lucky enough to catch a global premiere… the first-ever live simulcast of a Met opera into movie theaters around the world. I think this is a fab idea. An opera ticket for $18…and you can wear a hoodie and jeans… and munch popcorn and slurp a diet coke!

I was especially excited about the opera itself, The First Emperor, by Tan Dun (composer of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which I adore for its exotic epic sentimentality and magic twinkly treetop theatrics). Unfortunately, I think the opera was only a partial success. Costumes were glorious, the set and lighting were grand, and the purely instrumental musical interludes were by turns majestic and spectacularly eerie (including some handheld instrument that looked like a bottomless, haunted birdcage turned an upside-down and played with a bow). Another highlight was the chinese acrobatics and the way the actors imported from the Peking Opera would sometimes contort into ludicrous 'praying mantis’ positions to emphasize a sentence. Oooh, and my other favorite thing was watching the orchestra grapple with ancient Chinese grunting – there was one shot of a middle-aged musician in pearls and a prim black sweater chanting along to the chorus’ “HAAA!!… HOO!!… HAASHY!!” which is what I imagine one would say whilst stomping, glowering, and preparing to decapitate one’s mortal enemy. That was worth the price of admission alone.

On the downside, the production completely failed to engage me on an emotional level. For one thing, the lyrics were in English – a fatal flaw as far as I’m concerned. As a novice opera-goer, I find the art form to be awkward enough with those stiff stage movements and warbly vocal abstractions. It’s even harder to swallow when you know that they've boomed out two dozen syllables to say “you are the princess.” Even worse is the story itself. It’s the story about a man who unites a country by killing everyone who didn’t want to be united. How you can ruin the excitement of that is really beyond me.

Still, kudos to Tan Dun for putting some Chinesiness into opera. And kudos to the Met for being brave enough to challenge the elitism of the medium and giving us cinema-goers a treat. I hope they make it a regular program…