Indiana Jones and the Last Lame Wobble

I saw the latest Indiana Jones and was not impressed.

I will admit first that there were a few good things about the movie. For one thing, the reappearance of Marion from first movie was a stroke of genius and nearly saved the movie. Secondly, the filmmakers make great use of the knowledge that the audience is there to relive their childhood fantasies. All they have to do is play the theme music and show the shadow of the hat to send shivers down our collective spines – and they do exactly that in the first scene Indy is in. And then they move on within the first 20 minutes to lob a very interesting question at us: what does it mean to be Indiana Jones in a different decade with a changing world order? After emerging from a refridgerator in which he survived an atomic test, Indy stands silhouetted against a violent sunset-coloured mushroom cloud, battered and bruised, holding the bullwhip, watching the might of a weapon he can’t possibly defeat with his typical gruff and sweaty, giddily hyper-intellectual feats of derring-do. I was wondering, what is our leather-clad hero thinking?

It was an interesting question which, unfortunately, they never got around to acknowledging. They were all too busy sparring terrible dialogue and CGI-ing their way through tedious, unending action sequences. On top of that, I really can’t forgive them the stale old plot and characters. We had 1 almost admirable villainess, who ends up undone by her own ambition as the ancient temple is crumbling. We had 1 man who might be a traitor, or maybe not, but is in any case undone by his own greed as the ancient temple is crumbling. And we had 1 newly discovered son who chafes under the nickname “junior.”

RETIRE! RETIRE! Leave my childhood fantasies in peace.